Leadership is difficult. Not impossible.

Taking an honest look at how you show up in the world is equally difficult. Also not impossible.

Michael Jackson may have summed it up best: “If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change.”

As leaders, we strive to make our teams better, achieve the results expected of us, and believe our work has true impact. That sounds inspiring in theory. In practice, it is exhausting. The pressure to hit goals often supersedes our ability to be reflective.

Last week, I learned this the hard way.

I spent years believing that if I communicated clearly enough, worked hard enough, or pushed strongly enough, people would naturally align around what needed to happen. Then my growing frustration over a situation exploded into a rant I immediately regretted.

Ironically, that rant became the very thing that forced me to pause and examine myself. My thoughts were getting in the way of my results. And for whatever reason, I was finally ready to challenge my approach.

I started by looking at the narrative I was telling myself:

1. I am being disrespected.
2. I have to do everything or it won’t get done.
3. We already agreed to the deadline.
4. Everyone was aligned. I know they were.

Then someone asked me a question that stopped me cold: “Do you want to get to your agenda, or do you want true alignment?”

That was the paradigm shift I needed. Because I desperately want alignment. But alignment takes time. True alignment requires people to feel heard. It requires dialogue, clarification, questions, and sometimes discomfort. Forcing an agenda is often the exact opposite of alignment.

Still, my internal narrative fought back:

“Yeah, but…”
“It’s always like this.”
“They should know better.”
“I just know how to get things done.”

That last sentence was the one I had to sit with. Because if I am “forcing,” then I am dictating. And while I pride myself on execution, I do not want to become someone who steamrolls people in the name of results.

Then came the most honest feedback of all, from my daughter. “Mom, even the fact that you know how to do all the things is intimidating.”

Oof.

Not because she was wrong, but because she was right. What I truly want is not control. I want collaboration. I want a team where people feel excited to contribute. I want people to feel heard, respected, and safe enough to engage.

But that forced me to confront a hard truth: I was not feeling respected because I was not fully respecting others.

My impatience looked like judgment. My urgency looked intimidating. My certainty probably looked like arrogance. And yes, there was likely an eye roll or two mixed in there.

The mirror was not flattering. But it was necessary. So how do I change?

Curiosity helps.

But more than curiosity, I need less of an agenda.

That part is hard for me because I genuinely care about results. I move quickly. I solve problems quickly. And when others do not operate at the same speed, my instinct is to grab the work and do it myself.

But that mindset is not leadership. It is anxiety disguised as productivity. No one is actually asking me to carry everything. I simply decided that if things were not happening on my timeline, then I had to take over.

The reality?

I was skipping one of the most important parts of accountability: clear agreement. Not assumed agreement. Not rushed agreement. Actual agreement.

Sometimes leadership sounds less like certainty and more like: “I’m anxious about this deadline. Can we talk through ownership and expectations together?”

I am still learning. But this week, taking a hard look in the mirror created movement. Not perfection. Just movement. And honestly? A little excitement too.

Because growth begins the moment we stop trying to change everyone else first.